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Monday, 5 January 2015

World's Worst Mother

The school holidays have not been easy for Imogen. They've not been easy for any of us. Don't get me wrong. We've had fabulous days; spent hours at the pool, built blanket cubbies, entertained friends new & old.

It has been a very fine balance between too much and not enough. Imogen has needed extra scaffolding, extra support, extra rest. There has been little rest for us as parents.

To give everyone a break Gavin and Imogen went away for the night and now I am left feeling a little despondent about my life as a carer.

After Gavin had gone and it was just myself and our two little girls it was time for the dinner, bath, bed routine. And it was so easy.

After putting Adele to bed I had a 'Mummy & Daughter' night with Stella snuggled up together.  And it was so easy.

The next morning I was able to prepare a special lunch for Gavin and Imogen's return. It was so easy to do. I even had the time/energy/space to make the house spotless and I mean really spotless. Not just putting things away and tidying but where you move things and clean behind them. I couldn't believe how easy it was to spend prolonged time doing one job and still make time to 'be' with the girls, watching Stella ride her bike up the driveway and help Adele collect eggs.

Imogen had a fabulous time away and came back refreshed and full of language and independence again. I am left feeling awful. While Imogen wasn't here - life was easy.

I am then filled with anger and resentment knowing that others have nights or weeks where their children are looked after by others, so they can have time as a couple, time to do jobs, time to relax.

Those 18 hours without my daughter were easy, so much easier than our normal day. I feel like the world's worst mother for thinking this.

1 comment:

  1. Rachel, you are the most amazing mother I have ever known! What you and Gavin have accomplished over the years, with all you've had to cope with is nothing short of incredible. You are an inspiration to many! I'm sure there are a lot of mothers who have breathed a sigh of relief when they packed the children off on a holiday. I know I did. Everything was so much easier without the children, shopping, housework, gardening, the list goes on. Then the guilt would hit. What a horrible selfish person I was, how could I think like that? Yes, life is easier without children, but nowhere near as wonderful as it is with them. So don't feel guilty, because you're not the worst mother in the world, I am.